So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Randomize
