dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Randomize
