I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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