she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Randomize
