She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
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