I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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