R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Randomize
