It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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