my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Just puked most of my soul out..
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Randomize
