Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
