I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
