I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
