I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
