ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
