He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
