I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
