Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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