I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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