bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
