You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
smell my finger.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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