Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
pop tarts are not kleenex
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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