im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
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I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
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is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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