Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
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we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
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Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
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