You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
