I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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