So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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