I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
