Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
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