how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
