it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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