I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
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