im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
