These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
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