im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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