I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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