What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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