how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
