i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
