why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
