i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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