Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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