I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
