based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
