Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
