life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
