Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Randomize
