someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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