He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
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