I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
