There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
