Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
