my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
