Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
