I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Randomize
