Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
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