Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
