I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
