Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
