True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
