He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
